Joannuszka’s Desperate Escape

It is very often that I dream of visions and stories which take up the whole of my night’s slumber with my hidden passions, desires and lust yet it is also the case that at times; I envision the fears which in many ways limit me. These being expressed through night mares or simply moving pictures which my subconscious plays for me during the night so I might realize for myself what it is that I am fearful of.

Many such dreams have I had in which I was frightened yet intrigued by what I saw. As it might hold a significance that went beyond what was visible to me in my sleep. As it was but a symbol or perhaps even a metaphor for that which goes in to greater depth than merely what was portrayed in my dream. It occurring the other night that I had such a dream which I have chosen to tell about in this article.

My dream started with me already finding myself in prison without knowing why or what actions I had supposedly committed which merited my being in such a place yet regardless of the reasons, I was in a prison for women. It being a place which seemed cold yet not so much in the way of the temperature being low but the atmosphere which was grey and dark. As everything appeared to be taken out of a surrealistic painting in which all the characters were blurry with almost no features to distinguish one from the next. It being as if it were of no consequence who they were as individuals but merely their presence and the sort of people they represented which in this case were those whom one would expect to meet in a dreary penitentiary.

Naturally, I finding myself in a penal complex for women, was surrounded by members of only my own gender and in a way though it was not clear from first glance; I saw something very similar between myself and these other ladies. It being the look of utter dejection at life and what it had become in this place and perhaps worse yet what it had transformed us in to. As those about me resembled not only in their squalid bodies, clothes and faces but in their inner beings that which they portrayed on the outside; of mere caricatures of women who at times perhaps had been vibrant and bold but had been reduced to shadows of humanity. I, for myself feared all those about me yet my dread was not so much what might occur to me at the hands of my fellow prisoners but that I soon might become as one of them.

I looked around and as I did I could see that this in fact was a prison yet not so much one in which its inmates were kept in by some force, either of maximum or even minimum security but that of their own lack of will to break free from this place which in all reality was an illusion of their own creation. It being as if this prison was the life, we the ladies who occupied it had created for ourselves or accepted to live in at one point in time yet now lacked the courage to break out of. My prison being the life I had accepted though perhaps not fully wanted which in large part was my marriage yet extended beyond this; to most of what was my very existence which I could see was not all that different from what I could imagine life in this place would be.

It was but a few minutes that transpired when all the other ladies in the large cell, I found myself left me on my longsome to go out to the court yard where it was cigarettes and chatting among each other that awaited. I, for my part found myself still in shock at realizing that this was the life which I had created for myself which I was looking at for the first time and seeing it as the dungeon it really was. It not allowing in the beams of light which in fact were the change and progress which make life like a flower which grows. This in sharp contrast to this place where time only went by at a slow pace as had been the case with the last few years my life had known with not only my husband but the environment he had formed about me.

Despair started setting in as I truly observed the inner walls of this prison as I began to sense its influence in my inner being, as if it were an illness spreading through out my body which would leave it like those of the other women, who had been about me. I felt like joining the rest of the ladies in the courtyard yet something in me held back, as if saying to me that doing so would be accepting that this had become my life. I sat there motionless, in a way being kept captive not by chains or bars but by my mind which had created a wall which my daring held not the strength to break. It being perhaps this barrier which was harder to break for the mentality frightened than even those of steal and concrete which usually composed the materials of most detention centers.

How I longed to get out of this escape this place was something which would not let me be at ease yet my mind was not aware of how to build up the proper amount of courage and yet where should I go once I had made my way out? This perhaps was a question of equal significance yet as I sat in the cell with tears for myself screaming down my checks, a strong odor caught my attention to the point of pushing all other concepts out of my mind. I looked around the cell and found the body of someone who had reached the point of being completely lifeless. It being his or her body which in its state of decomposition had created a wall of stench which was almost crushing me to the extreme of pushing me out of the cell. It being then that in desperation I ran to the exit and just as I got to it and saw the light that was the freedom I had desired for so long; a dog was what stood in front of me. This canine apparently coming from Satan’s gates to prevent my escape, as if my mind were saying to me that it would not be all that easy as to just walk out of this inferno which I had created for myself.

The dog barked, making noises as if its intensions were to kill me yet much to my surprise; it did not attack but make as if it would. This reminding me of many of the fears in my life which had threatened me more with shadows than any real danger yet I needed to get by this dog and it would not allow my leaving just because my intensions were such. The dog however in all its malicious appearance gave away a weakness that it could at least be bargained with. Quickly I thought of the dead body which might serve as food for this apparently hungry dog who was in need of anything that I might offer in exchange for my freedom.

It was then with all the speed my legs could muster that I ran back to the dead body which allowed for its hand to be taken without much of a struggle from my part, as I with a small pen knife managed to cut it off. The hand would be my ticket out, this I sensed as I took it back and gave it to the very large dog who almost attacked it as he ate it while I went around him and as I did it looked at me with a gaze upon as if it wished me well yet did so with certain regret. I, even getting the impression that this dog represented my husband, who one day might let me out of the marriage which linked us or that I might wish it for myself and request its termination yet regardless of how it would come about; it was this how I could envision his reaction when that day would arrive. It being one of sadness and regret along with someone who is conceding to the inevitable.

As for the dead body, it would be hard to say if it in fact was a person or perhaps represented the end of our marriage which I would have to deliver him. The hand of as proof that what had been ours was now like this lifeless body which but had foul order while no longer having that vitality which had in all truth never been abundant in what had been our relationship.

I was outside the prison but where would I go and how would I get any where on my own? I had been in prison so long even if I had just realized it that very day that I did not have another concept of what life might be or where it might be for that matter. It was however as my mind contemplated my possibilities that I saw a car which I quickly drove away in yet it did not take long for my senses to once again detect the presence of the smell of death. As I looked in the back seat, I noticed several dead bodies as if the memories of what had been my life were still in that car. These corpses representing the problems or limitations which had been such a large part of the life which I still had to fully escape from.

I had gotten out of one prison which had increased my courage and this one I knew I could escape from with even greater ease; for it too like the first one was but one mind which I had created. I, naturally was afraid yet this time it did not limit me as it had before and with my resolve about me; I simply got out off the car I was in and in to another one which was also not mine but this did not matter. I was finally free from that prison which had been my whole life which my mind had led me in to and had kept me in for so long. As to the point that it took me this long to fully see for myself that it had been but a place where my sole jailer had been myself.

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